One Last Post This Side of the Border

Sitting down to write one last blog post while here in El Salvador has proven to be more difficult that I would have expected. Besides the fact that the first time I sat down to write it my vision got all splotchy and was followed by a migraine… it seems that every time I think about what to write my mind goes blank. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t feel real yet. Maybe it’s because there’s so much I could write about. Maybe it’s because there is so much excitement about being home that it’s hard to dwell on the sadness of leaving. But whatever it is, I know I need to overcome it and simply write. So with no plan for what to write, I guess I’ll begin…

This week has been full of goodbyes; goodbyes to my soccer boys and girls, my bible study, other CFCI staff and soon the kids at the community andmy family. It’s sad saying goodbye but what makes it the hardest is the question of, “When are you coming back?” It’s

hard to look them in the face and say I don’t know. But the reality is, I don’t. I know that right now I need to be in CO. Where God takes me after only he knows.

There will be a lot of things and a lot of people that I will miss from here but I think what I’ll miss most, is the ability to go to a community where kids run up to you screaming your name, arms out ready to give you a big hug. The ability to go to a place where it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, or that your house is made form sheet metal. The ability to play soccer and love on kid, some of whose parents are in gangs. The need here is real. It’s obvious. In your face. There’s no sugarcoating reality because let’s be honest… there’s no sugar to coat it with! But there’s something beautiful about that. It’s something that I’m going to miss.

As I head back to the US I have a lot to look forward to! The next month will be full of friends and family and travel. I can’t wait to spend time with those I haven’t seen in a few months. But I think what I really look forward to is settling into normal life again. Establishing my place somewhere. I’ve been in transition a long time… I’ve poured into many students and kids over the last couple years and then had to leave. I don’t regret it one bit. God did a lot of things in their hearts and mine, but coming and going isn’t easy. I’m ready to invest into a community. Things might change and God may call me somewhere else. If that’s the case I’ll willingly go, but for now…. I’m ready to be a part of a community again. One that desires to grow deeper together in Christ and from that overflow, pour out into the community around us. That’s what gets me excited.

So what’s next? I’m heading out to Boulder, CO. It’s a bit scary to say that, but I know it’s where I need to be right now. Seth and I have been doing the long distance thing for 3 months now. We’ve made it work but it’s had its challenges. Whenever I tell people this they look at me as if I’m crazy. Why would I move somewhere for a guy?! Don’t give up your passions! But the reality is, I’m not. There’s need there too. And there’s lost and hurting students. God has not called me anywhere else right now, and if we’re ever going to know his plan for our future, we simply need to spend more time together. It’s a risk, a scary one at that, but right now, I’ve got nothing to lose. As of right now I have no job and no permanent place to live. The pastor of Calvary has generously offered for me to stay with them until I get things sorted out. So as I head out there in faith, please pray for me. While I’m excited about many things out there, I don’t anticipate it to be an easy move. Pray for community, for a job, a place to live that can truly feel like home, and for Seth and I, for clarity, humility, and grace.

Thank you all so much for supporting me during my time here in El Salvador! It’s hard to believe it’s already drawing to a close. I will continue to post on here from time to time and keep you all updated on my life. While it’s always hard to get started on a blog post, I’ve found it a very rich time of processing and reflection. While most of my posts are simply me rambling about my thoughts and feelings, I hope that you have all been able to gain something from reading it. Thank you! Que Dios te bendiga! (May God bless you!)

A Little Bit About El Salvador

This is probably long overdue... but a lot of it I've just learned recently.

El Salvador is the smallest and most densely populated country in Central America. Being approximately the same size as the state of New Jersey, it is home to roughly 7.2 million people, with approximately 30% of this population living in the capital city of San Salvador. The average income per household is $2-$6 per day with 42% of the population lives in poverty. Roughly 25% of El Salvador’s population lives in the U.S. These immigrants send $2.5 billion dollars to El Salvador every year.

Gangs in El Salvador

Between 1980 and 1992 El Salvador was in the midst of a civil war between the government, four leftist groups, and a communist group. Approximately 75,000 people were killed in the war. On January 16, 1992 the president of El Salvador and the guerrilla leaders signed Peace Agreements ending the 12-year civil war.

As a result of the civil war, many Salvadorans immigrated to The Pico-Union neighborhood of Los Angeles. Out of this began the now transnational gang, Mara Salvatrucha (MS, MS-13) with original intent of protecting Salvadoran immigrants from other gangs of LA. When these gang members are arrested they are deported back to El Salvador where they recruit more gang members. As a result of this, gangs became a constant threat to the security and peace of civilians. The two most prominent and rival gangs are Mara Salvatrucha and Mara 18.

In September 2010, as a result of gang attacks on buses, the government passed a law making it a criminal offense to be a gang member. In response to this gang uprisings happened throughout gang controlled territory in San Salvador and surrounding areas. One of these cities was Altavista, the location of Christ for the City’s (CFCI) soccer school and the community of Bendición de Dios. During this time sometimes the police and sometimes gangs would issue a “toque de queda” forcing people to stay indoors after 5 pm. If they left their houses they would be at risk of being shot. The soccer school had to shut down and no work could be done in the community. The brother of David, a boy in the soccer school, was shot and killed, and the brother of Adonay was arrested for being out after dark. The government eventually regained control and public displays of gang activity have been much less.

Nonetheless, gangs continue to be a very real threat to the safety and futures of many of the kids we work worth. Some of the kids within the soccer school are the children of gang members, others may even be involved in gang activity themselves. It is the hope of CFCI that the soccer school would provide them with an alternative to life on the streets and speak truth into their lives of an alternate way of life.

Gangs are increasingly more frequently trying to recruit or force children into their gangs. Once in the gang, the kids are often the ones forced to do the killing. The penalty for murder for children is only a few months to a year in a juvenile detention center. Girls are becoming increasingly more involved as well and are frequently sexually exploited. While gang members may not desire the gang lifestyle for their children, they are often forced into it by other members of the gang.

Once in a gang, essentially the only way to leave it is to become a Christian. You cannot have killed anyone from your own gang and you will be forever under surveillance and if you demonstrate anything that could be associated with gang activity (including drugs or alcohol) you will be killed. The respect for Christians is not something that I fully understand but it stems from a respect for the community development work they have done. While they may not understand the gospel, it’s interesting that a gang who has named themselves the “Devil Horns” would understand that the redemption and love of Christ is what the impoverished communities need most.

4 Countries in 4 Days

So much has happened since my last true update I don’t even know where to begin! I’d love to expand on each of the following experiences but for times sake I’m only going to briefly summarize some of them.

Thanksgiving!!!

The morning of Thanksgiving Elsa and I went to the community and watched Happy Feet with the kids. I couldn’t have asked for a better Thanksgiving morning. Playing with those kids and seeing their smiling faces is enough to make anyone thankful! I haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time in the community but have been able to go a few times and the kids there definitely have a piece of my heart. It’s amazing what a little kid running up to you and saying, “You came!!!” will do to you. It makes me excited to be in a community for a long time and really get to know the kids/youth and watch them grow.

Elsa and I were invited to the Thanksgiving dinner of a couple in our bible study. It was an awesome experience! With the exception of not being with family, it was one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had! We arrived at the house and walked into the back yard/patio area. It was all ornately decorated for Christmas and the tables on the lawn were candle lit with white tablecloths. Aside from weddings, I’ve never been to such a fancy dinner. The family owns a restaurant/bakery here in San Salvador and the husband is a professional chef! Preceding the dinner we had worship, read a few verses about giving thanks, and had a chance to write down things we are thankful for. It was a great time to spend with friends and our bible study group, which has become like family here. A couple waiters from their restaurant served drinks, one of whom we know from our Tuesday workdays at Florence. The dinner was served as a buffet and included: Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, corn/egg casserole, apple-sausage stuffing, and a lettuce salad. Dinner was followed by a dessert buffet including: pumpkin pie, pecan pie, crème brulee, mini apple pies, white chocolate chip pumpkin muffins, and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. If I’ve ever had a hard time choosing a dessert, that was it. I decided it was best not to stress over it and took a little bit of everything. (Ok not quite everything… but close!) It was such a cool experience to see the family go all out to have such a wonderful dinner for friends and family. It couldn’t have been cheap. It made me think of what big celebrations and feast must have been like in the early church.

Nicaragua

Because of the funds I raised over my necessary amount for living expenses, I was able to join Elsa, Jaime, and Josué on a trip to Nicaragua and Costa Rica. We made the 12 hour trek and spent a few days at the base in Nicaragua and had an amazing time. We had a training on hosting short term missions teams (not something super helpful for me now but undoubtedly will be useful in the future for either hosting or leading teams). We were also able to go to a market with lots of handcrafted souvenirs and were given a tour of the city. The people at the base were so welcoming and loving towards us! Elsa and I stayed with a missionary couple (the husband is from the US and met his wife in Costa Rica and they are now doing missions in Nicaragua). They were such a blessing to us. It’s great to be able to share stories with people who understand the cultural dynamics! It was a very refreshing weekend. We then got on the bus and headed to Costa Rica (another 8 hours or so…).

Costa Rica

We arrived on Monday and found out that the CFCI base wasn’t notified of our arrival here until last Thursday… The funny part is that this is normal. We spent yesterday at the base doing planning for STM (short term missions) and hanging out. Today we had the opportunity to go to Carpio, one of the more dangerous areas of San Jose. It was an amazing experience!

The first place we went was to a library where they open it up to students to come and read and they teach English classes. There is a Pilipino missionary from Canada who is a retired teacher who has been leading this area for the past 6 months or so.

We then went to a house or plot of land with a couple buildings that they own. It originally started as an outreach to the young girls in the community when a missionary learned of the sexual abuse that was happening. These girls grow up in one-room homes and therefore witness all that their parents do. Sex becomes a normal thing for them. Churches don’t talk about it because they consider this a sin. Thus all the girls know is what they observe. When men or relatives then approach them and abuse them, they don’t know that it is wrong. The mentality is that they saw their dad touch their mom in a certain way or do things with her, so it must be ok. Kids in this community are being abused beginning at ages 3 and 4 and it’s estimated that about 80% (I think… although I may have heard wrong…) have been abused. The program was set up as a refuge of sorts for the girls. While they currently aren’t allowed to live there, under certain circumstances they may be able to spend a few nights there. The hope is to eventually open it up as a dorm for girls who have dangerous family situations. They receive classes and in addition to the basic subjects they have sex education, English, and a Bible study.

This same program now has a program for boys. The boys have the unique opportunity to learn woodworking during which they are discipled. This is a valuable skill that will then hopefully provide them with a source of income in the future. There is a soccer program for both boys and girls. On Saturdays they have Bible studies in the morning. Many of the boys hang out and play games/sports during the day. This alone helps keep them off the streets and out of trouble.

Following this we went to the kids club that they host. We played games, sang songs, led a bible teaching, and helped with a craft. The kids were adorable and so excited to be there! It was awesome to have the chance to spend some time with them. Meeting these kids and looking them in the eye it makes you wonder what their story is. They each have a story, and chances are most of them are probably pretty remarkable. I wish I could hear each of their stories and write them down. Sometimes I forget how privileged I am to be meeting the very kids that most people only read about. The kids that are often just statistics, often forgotten. Yet with just a simple smile they can brighten your day and speak volumes into your life. I’m really going to miss the kids I’ve met here and in El Salvador but today I was reminded of something… any place I live there will be kids who are in need of the love of Christ. Like I said before, I can’t wait to be in a place where I can truly pour into the same kids for a long period of time. It’s hard to continually develop these relationships and give pieces of your heart to each of the kids you meet and then leave.

I said I was going to keep it short… I didn’t. I could write forever about the things I’ve seen, learned, thought, and felt, but unfortunately… my bed is calling my name. All these things are still just sinking in and will continue to as I process my time here and head back home. One thing is certain, the faces of kids you meet in places like this whether it’s Peru, Honduras, Romania, El Salvador, or Costa Rica, you never forget. Miss you all! I can’t believe my time here is coming to an end already!

Celebrating Radical Love

I wrote this last year for a newsletter at Blackhawk about Advent Conspiracy. As it's that time of year again, I thought I'd share it again.

From eggnog and Frosty the Snowman to mistletoe and stockings, the Christmas traditions in our culture are endless. My family was no different. Every Thanksgiving weekend we bundled up and headed out to the Christmas tree farm. After incessant bickering, and at least one unhappy child, we cut down our less-than-perfect five-dollar tree. A week later we decorated the tree, with a soft instrumental version of Silent Night playing in the background – my sister and I argued about whose tin foil star was better and should go on top of the tree.

With the star on the tree it was time to get out the nativity set. Our set contained an extra character – our Middle-eastern Jesus had a Scandinavian twin. My parents had gotten so frustrated with the fighting over Jesus that they bought a second. Unfortunately, that caused us to argue over whose Jesus was in the nativity scene on Christmas morning (which, in the excitement of stockings and presents was always forgotten).

Sound familiar? Christmas can become full of traditions that often cause tension and stress. We’ve turned Jesus’ birth into an excuse to buy more stuff to fulfill our own desires rather than an opportunity to celebrate the significance of His coming to earth. Advent is a time of preparation for the Messiah’s coming. Jesus came to give Himself. He came to establish the Kingdom of God, on earth. Should we not do the same?

Last year Blackhawk participate in the Advent Conspiracy, a grassroots movement involving more than 1,000 churches in 17 countries that believe Christmas can still change the world. Advent Conspiracy invites people to celebrate what Gad has done and is doing by spending less, giving more, worshiping fully, and loving all.

When we learned that Americans spend $450 billion on Christmas every year and that the estimated cost to make clean water available to everyone in the world is 10 $billion, my family didn’t hesitate to participate. We took this challenge seriously. While Christmases full of arguing thankfully ended years ago, there was still a different feel in the air last year. Crammed into my sister’s and brother-in-law’s tiny apartment in Los Angeles we opened our gifts, all homemade. We felt incredible love and gratitude that we felt as we opened the gifts, created with hours of energy and thought. Moreover, knowing that the money we didn’t spend on gifts was providing clean water for people who don’t have access to it gave us inexplicable joy. It was a joy that only comes from actually doing what God has called us to do. It’s what Jesus came to earth to start, and we are called to continue until His Second Coming. Last Christmas, my family played a part in establishing the Kingdom of God through his radical love. That’s cause for celebration. In Mike Erre’s book, Jesus of Suburbia, he summarizes this well:

“Jesus came to do away with the meaningless ritual and empty religion of the day and to call people into relationship with Himself. He came to turn us not into religious people but into joyful and holy people, abandoned to Him so as to do His work on earth. He came to turn us into people who know how to love and celebrate.”

So as we begin the Advent season this year, let’s not be controlled by the cultural traditions and demands of an “American Christmas.” Instead, let’s show the world what Christmas is really about as we share and celebrate Christ’s radical love.

Prayer and Thanksgiving

In honor of Thanksgiving, I decided to take this opportunity to reflect on all that I have to be grateful for. As I began to list all the things I’m thankful for in my head I started to realize that most of what was coming to mind was very self-focused. I’m grateful for my family and friends, my education, my home, the cockroach I just chased under a chair (ok that I could do without). But the point is, while it’s good to be thankful for all of these abundant blessings, I should be giving thanks for the more important things too. I get so caught up in all these little blessings that it’s easy to forget the greatest blessing of all.

Prayer of Thanksgiving (Modeled after Psalm 136)

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.

His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.

His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the Lord of lords:

His love endures forever.

To the creator of the universe,

His love endures forever.

Who paints the sunsets each night,

His love endures forever.

Who scattered the stars across the sky,

His love endures forever.

And raised the mountains up out of the ocean,

His love endures forever.

To the giver of life and breath,

His love endures forever.

And the sustainer of earth and all that is in it,

His love endures forever.

To him who descended from heaven,

His love endures forever.

And lowered himself taking on human flesh,

His love endures forever.

Who was despised and beaten by men,

His love endures forever.

And rejected by the very ones he came to save,

His love endures forever.

To him who resisted all temptation,

His love endures forever.

And whose name the enemy feared,

His love endures forever.

To him who healed the sick,

His love endures forever.

Who protects the weak,

His love endures forever.

And who delivered the oppressed and needy,

His love endures forever.

To him who bore our shame and guilt,

His love endures forever.

And paid the penalty of the sins of the world,

His love endures forever.

To him who died and was raised, defeating death,

His love endures forever.

To him who brings hope and restoration,

His love endures forever.

To him who welcomes us back into his family,

His love endures forever.

Who never gave up or forgot us,

His love endures forever.

And lifted us up out of our own shame

His love endures forever.

Redeeming us and providing for our ever need.

His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of heaven.

His love endures forever.

Praises and Prayer Requests

Praises!

· A house was donated to CFCI in one of the roughest areas of San Salvador. They will be using it as an office and are dreaming of opening an additional medical clinic and a youth center.

· Jeffer’s grandmother came to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior the night of his funeral.

· Another missionary has joined us and will be here for 2 years. He hopes to help head up the new youth programming in the new building.

· Three new local missionaries have joined the team here.

· Our relationship with a local church in Altavista has been greatly strengthened over the past 2 months. They have now fully committed to working with the soccer school and CFCI.

· We had a great day away at the beach to celebrate the 3 year anniversary of CFCI in El Salvador, including those from the church in Altavista that is partnering with us.

· More girls have been getting involved at soccer due to a team from another area deciding to join the soccer school.

· Elsa, two of the other guys on staff, and I will be heading to Nicaragua and Costa Rica to learn more about short term missions, their English program, and other projects they have started.

· The youth of the church that Elsa and I attend has committed to join us for a soccer tournament December 11^th on the island. This could be the beginning of a bigger partnership.

· I’ve had the opportunity to attend 2 conferences be missionary groups that have come here and have been greatly blessed my both!

· I’ve had the opportunity to learn a lot about myself and am continually learning more and more what it means to rely on our heavenly Father and find peace and comfort in him.

Prayer Requests

· HEALTH! After struggling with a stomach bug on and off for a few weeks, I’m now fighting a Salvadorean virus. Pray that I would be returned to full health quickly so that I can be back in action for my last month here and for traveling. (Lately I've been feeling a bit like Kevin did on the way home from the zoo...)

· Pray for safe travels next Friday as Elsa and I head to Nicaragua for a one-day conference and then head the rest of the way to Costa Rica. Pray that I wouldn’t be charged extra (beyond the normal extra amount) for being a US citizen.

· Pray for selflessness and a willingness to serve and meet any needs that may arise.

· Pray that I would have eyes to see, ears to listen, and a heart to receive all that God wants to teach me in the next month.

Mid-Missions Crisis

Upon my arrival to El Salvador, I was frequently introduced as a “missionary”. While I recognized that this was true, something about it just didn’t feel quite right. That’s a title I’ve always associated with other people. They are people that seem to have everything together and are willing to give everything up to go serve God around the world. They have deeply spiritual conversations with everyone they come in contact with. They are “on-the-clock” 24/7. I, Nikki Lindroth, certainly am not deserving of such a title. But yet, if being a missionary means you’re living off of support and doing ministry, I guess that describes me. Our definition of missions seems to have gotten a bit complicated. What makes a missionary a missionary? What is the mission field? Do you have to be living off support? Do you have to be living abroad? Do you have to have made great sacrifices?

It may seem silly but this very struggle to understand what missions really is, posed a big problem for me while being here. In fact, I struggled so much with it that I endearingly now refer to this time of confusion as my “mid-missions crisis” and it happened exactly halfway through my time in El Salvador. When I came here, I was suddenly a “missionary” and didn’t even know what that mean. Because of how often we throw around the term missions, mission, mission field, and missionary, I had no idea what was expected of me.

I came to El Salvador with a specific “mission”. While I didn’t know details, I new I’d be working with the soccer school, getting the girls program going, and building relationships with them. Anyone who knew me knew that it seemed like a perfect fit! I had an incredible amount of support and was amazed at how easy it was to get the financial help I needed. But what happens when that mission changes, when it’s not what you thought it would be?

So often missions is reduced to going and serving the poor in God’s name. While this is a significant part of what missions can and should look like, it’s not all it is. Sometimes I wonder what it would look like if the people in the places we go to do missions came to the US to do missions. Because the reality is, we find we are often more blessed by those we go to serve than we are a blessing to them. While being here I’ve had the privilege of being on the other side of missions. It’s a perspective that we don’t often get living in the US. It’s the receiving end of missions. I never would have imagined that coming to El Salvador, I would be ministered to by so many other missionaries. Although I still don’t understand what exactly “missions” is or is not, I have a better understanding of what my time here is about. Missions, or not, I know why God sent me. Last Thursday and Friday, Elsa and I had the opportunity to attend a conference for Baptist pastors and church leaders. It was called Timothy and Barnabas International and was presented by Johnny Hunt and fellow Baptist pastors. In addition to talking through these things with many people back home, it was through one of pastor Jerry Gillis’ messages that I was finally able to work through this struggle. Let me take you on the journey…

The LORD bless you
and keep you;

the LORD make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;

the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.

(Numbers 6:24-26)

In the Jewish culture, the face was very significant. You would pray facing Jerusalem, the temple, or the Holy of Holies. It was a sign of respect. They realized that we are wired to be seeing and that when your face is turned towards something it is life giving. Just as kids need to be seen by their parents (“Look at me daddy!!”), so we need to be seen by our heavenly father. At the beginning of this adventure it was easy to feel God’s face shining on me. He provided so abundantly in so many was to bring me here. But once I arrived that began to change…

After about a month and a half of being here, I began to realize that I wasn’t having a difficult time because I was adjusting, but I was having a difficult time because I was inadequate. I didn’t have the resources, support, language, and skills necessary to do my job well. So suddenly, I had 30+ supporters who were supporting me to do something I felt like I was failing to do. I saw how God was using me in other ways, supporting Elsa, the English program, with Elsa’s family, etc., but that wasn’t my “mission” in coming here. That wasn’t the “mission” my supporters had signed up to support me in. I began to struggle feeling like I wasn’t honoring them because I was doing something different with their money. I felt like I was letting people down. I questioned why God would bring me to a place with such a clear mission that I wasn’t able to fulfill. If I’m honest, I wrestled with feelings of abandonment from God. Not total abandonment. My time spent alone with him was as refreshing and rewarding as it usually it. But when it came to ministry, he had been faithful in bringing me here and providing me with everything I needed to get here but then left me to figure out the rest. It felt as if he had said, “I brought you here safely. You know your mission. Ready? Ok… 1…2…3…GO!” And then walked away saying, “I’ll check back in with you in 3 months to debrief. Until then, we can talk about whatever you want and I’m happy to comfort you but let’s just leave that whole ministry thing out of it.”

And in that day I will become angry with them and forsake them; I will hide my face from them, and they will be destroyed. Many disasters and calamities will come on them, and in that day they will ask, ‘Have not these disasters come on us because our God is not with us?’

(Deuteronomy 31:17)

If God was capable of hiding his face from Israel when they messed up, was it possible that He would do the same to me? That as I came here and realized the extent of my own selfishness and pride that he would get fed up and turn his face from me? Was that why I felt alone?

The truth is, I was inadequate. I am inadequate. We are all inadequate. Eve was deceived and Adam rebelled. I am selfish and prideful. We all live in sin. Just like the nation of Israel, we mess up over and over and over. But just as God was faithful in delivering the nation of Israel, he is faithful in delivering us. As he set about his redemption plan for the nation of Israel, he kept us in mind.

He redeemed us in order that the blessing given to Abraham might come to the Gentiles through Christ Jesus, so that by faith we might receive the promise of the Spirit.

(Galatians 3:14)

God turned his face from his own son so that we might receive His indwelling spirit, and his face would always be turned towards us.

God’s face was never turned away from me. I just needed to trust. He hadn’t abandoned me in ministry, but he was allowing me to struggle so that I would learn and grow. He was preparing me and shaping me for future plans he has for me. Having dreamed of an experience like this since I was young, and having felt like it couldn’t have been more perfect, it was a hard to realize that this isn’t IT. This isn’t what God has been preparing me for. In fact, it’s simply another experience to prepare me for something even greater in the future. And once I realized this, it actually brought more comfort, more excitement. I don’t know what it is he’s preparing me for, but I can only assume, given his track record, that it will be amazing.

This was confirmed for me when I approached Jerry after his message. I wanted to thank him for being so real as he shared through tears about a time in which he had felt as though God’s face was turned from him. As I thanked him and shared with him how my experience was similar I also began to tear up. There’s something powerful in meeting someone and talking with someone who has experienced a struggle that you have felt alone in. As he kept talking he shared with me how that time for him, his earlier years of ministry and being a Christ follower, were less about what God is doing through you, and more about what God is doing in you. Although God undoubtedly uses us during this time, it’s really a time of preparation for the future. Hearing him say this gave me the freedom to really accept this as the reality of my time here. Because, although I had accepted that God was using it to teach me, it felt selfish. People had faithfully entrusted their money to me to do ministry here, and now I was struggling with ministry in order to grow. It changed my perspective on my time here but in that change, it turned the focus off of others, and onto myself; a switch that I wasn’t willing to make. However, hearing him say it made it seem ok. It allowed me to simply sit back and enjoy all that God is teaching and will teach me during my time here. To fully appreciate and absorb all that I am experiencing, guilt free. To realize that my supporters, while they are excited about the ministry I’m doing here, are more invested in me. To realize that they are supporting me, not specifically what I’m doing.

So to you I owe a huge thank you! Thank you for investing in me. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to learn and grow and having faith in what God is doing in me and preparing me for! I’m excited to share this journey with you and am excited to one day, share the final destination. (Or at least share the pit stops along the way.)

A Dark Cold Night...

It’s a cool brisk November evening. As you open the door to your home, the sheet metal feels cold to the touch. You hold the door open for your 5-year-old daughter and 2-year-old son to walk outside ahead of you. As you step out into the community the cool air kisses your cheeks. You glance around; proud of how the new sidewalks and stairs make your community look cleaner. You won’t have to worry about climbing down steep dirt slopes to get to the road but will have nice cement stairs. This will be especially convenient during periods of heavy rain. Your two kids run ahead hand in hand across the open space by the community center that is under construction. You can’t help but smile as you watch them. You follow close behind as they pass the community center. Just as you were about to tell them to be careful, Jeffer, your son lets go of Katy’s hand and runs ahead. Still a little unsteady while walking, as he approaches a big hole left open by the construction workers, he slips and falls. Your stomach drops. He is stopped by the rebar sticking up out of the ground. You grab him and after seeing no blood, begin to run back home, heart pounding. You lay him down on the bed inside and through tears and gasping for breath you try to explain to your husband what happened. You go to pick up your son and notice some blood on his shirt now, as you lift it you notice something poking out of his side were the rebar had pierced him. You run throughout the community searching for somebody who has a car. Finally you arrive at the hospital, but not more than 10 minutes after being there the doctors come to inform you that your son didn’t make it. Completely torn apart by the news of this tragedy you haven’t even given thought to how you’re going to afford a casket, funeral, and burial…

On Friday, November 5^th, this was the experience of a prominent woman in the community of Bendición de Dios where we work with Christ for the City International. I can’t claim to even begin to know the thoughts and feelings that would come with an experience like this. I’m unsure of her faith, but know that during this time, more than any, she needs to know that God is with her and her family. As we heard of this news, Christ for the City moved quickly to surround this family with the support they needed. Enough money was collected to pay for the casket, funeral, and burial. I hadn’t known the family prior to the accident, but had the privilege of being able to go with Elsa to the community the night of the funeral.

Pulling up, we saw the whole community out in front of the community center where the funeral was to take place. As we walked up, Daniel, a little boy in the community looked up at me with big eyes and said, “¡Usted vino!” (You came!) I immediately knew there was a reason for me being there. Not because of anything I would do or say, but just being present said, “You matter, your community matters, you’re not forgotten, you’re not alone.” We continued to the home of the family who had suffered the loss. Wrapping the mother in a deep embrace, in a whisper I assured her of God’s presence with her, “Dios está contigo.” Through tears she cried with uncertainty, “Yo no sé.” Again I assured her, “Sí, está.” Continuing to embrace her she thanked me for being there with her. Stepping outside her house for fresh air, we talked with her and her husband. Quickly joined by other CFCI staff and a local pastor, we continued to encourage them and prayed with them.

The funeral was not what I had anticipated. Maybe it was because of cultural differences. Maybe it was because it was for a 2 year old. Maybe it was the lower economic status, but for whatever reason, there was something different. What struck me most was the strong sense of community combined with a weak sense of communal loss. The whole community was present, wearing their warmest layers, yet still shivering. Many were serving pan dulce y café (sweet bread and coffee). Others were making sure the family had enough to eat and drink. The entire community had come together to surround and serve this family. However, while some friends seemed to be grieving the loss of this little child, that was certainly not the case with most of the community. Children were running around laughing and playing, teenage boys were off to the side playing music on their cell phones, and while most of the community was present for the ceremony, very few tears were shed. Coming from a culture where funerals are for friends and family to grieve alike, this surprised me. Maybe it was that emotions are not shown in public as readily in this culture of toughness. Or maybe in the fight to survive and provide for your family in a place of great need, loss is not felt as strong throughout the community. However, there’s no doubt that this boy was dearly loved and will be greatly missed. His life was short, but certainly had a profound impact on the lives of many in this community.

Prayers for this family would be greatly appreciated. While the initial hit they suffered was great, it was only the beginning of a long time of suffering. Pray for healing, peace, love, comfort, faith, and hope. Pray that God’s glory would be able to shine throughout this community as they feel his grace and abundant blessings in this time. Pray that Satan would have no place here. That all accusations of blame and lies of guilt would be covered and taken away by God’s incredible grace and love.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

November 2nd: Election Day, Day of the Dead.

(Written yesterday but do to a pounding headache and the need for sleep it was not posted until today.)

Today in the United States it was Election Day. Leading up to today, billions of dollars were spent on campaigns. Weeks of “heated discussions,” more commonly known as arguments, created great rifts between friends and family. These strong stands were made about issues that people would generally care to actually DO little about.

But today all of that was put to an end as everyone made their way to the polls to cast their votes. By filling in circles or completing arrows people have shown their devotion to certain issues; the same issues that may have torn apart relationships. But soon everyone will go back to his or her normal life. The issues that today were worth more than friendships, tomorrow will be of significantly less importance. However, the scars that were created as a result of those arguments will remain. So was it worth it? A few years from now the changes that happened as a result of this election, or maybe not even this election but those arguments that caused a significant amount of pain, will they have been worth it?

Today in El Salvador it was Day of the Dead. Flowers in hand, everyone made their way to the graves of loved ones to beautify the tombs of deceased relatives and to pray. Families go to the cemeteries to grieve together.

It’s interesting to think about these two events happening simultaneously. With the focus in El Salvador today being the death of loved ones and the intimacy of family, it makes these arguments seem more futile than ever before. While issues that people are willing to do little about divide American Christian families, Salvadoran families (regardless of religious affiliation) are binding together to lift up loved ones in prayer. It sheds light on a serious pandemic plaguing American Christianity. We seem to have forgotten what it means to be a family. We have been given the best example of what love of a family should look like through Christ’s love for us, and yet somehow, families in El Salvador, many of which haven’t experienced this great love seem to be doing a better job.

By allowing these issues to cause such divisions, we’re placing a higher value on people’s political beliefs, than on their value in Christ. If this is taking place in the intimate setting of individual families, it’s certainly happening within the larger family of Christ where familial ties are less strong (maybe unjustly so, but less strong nonetheless).

While not completely the same, it’s not all that different from what was happening to the early church in Galatia. Romans, Greeks, and Jews all had different worldviews. It was becoming apparent that Jews saw themselves as superior to all other cultures. Paul, seeing this and recognizing that it is the direct result of a flawed understanding of the gospel addresses the issue in his letter to the Galatians.

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.

You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

(Galatians 3:26-29 and 5:4-6)

Paul is essentially saying, according to the gospel, no matter what title has been given to you or you’ve given yourself, if you belong to Christ, you are part of the same family, the family of God. He’s declaring that in order to become a Christian you don’t first have to become Jewish. If salvation is to be found in Christ alone, all other allegiances to ethnicities or devotions to certain sets of laws have no bearing anymore. Paul’s letter to the Galatians serves as a warning against the subtle dangers that can ultimately distort the gospel and divide the church.

If Paul were around today, he might feel it necessary to write a similar letter to the American Church. It might look something like this:

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Republican nor Democrat, neither conservative nor liberal, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.

You who are trying to be justified by taking a specific political stance have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus political allegiances have no value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

That might be a bold statement, but I believe it’s a needed one. Too often, as Christians in America, we are guilty of placing political beliefs and allegiances above our love and devotion to one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. When we do this we are missing the point of the gospel. What I am not saying is that we shouldn’t take part in the political system, we can’t take political stances, or align ourselves with a certain part. What I am saying is that none of that should supersede who we or our brothers and sisters in Christ are. It should not cause divisions within friendships, families, and the church. So as this election season ends, let’s treat the wounds we have caused or suffered, allow time to heal them, and learn to love despite these differences in opinion that in light of the cross are rendered insignificant.

Your Love

A couple nights ago I was lying in bed listening to a thunderstorm. I used to love thunderstorms. Still do! Listening to the sound of the rain beating against the roof of your house and watching bolts of lightning lighting up the night sky while curled up under a blanket. It feels safe. But this time was different. As I lay in bed I didn’t have the same secure feeling I did at home. There was something eerily dark about the cracks of thunder and flashes of light. I was curled up in bed; I was dry and safe, what was different? As I thought about this my mind immediately went to the kids that I’ve grown to love here. Maybe the thunderstorm was different this time because I was subconsciously aware of what it meant for some of those kids.

The rain hitting the roof isn’t a soft pitter-patter as it hits shingles, but is a harsh clapping as the rain hits the metal roof. The water pouring off the roof doesn’t run down drainpipes, but runs off the roof, floods the floor as it leaks under the sheet metal walls, and creates a muddy mess. The muffled thunder isn’t simply a reminder of your safe secure home, but a piercing crack that echoes throughout the open air and is followed by shrieking from your baby brother and the neighbor kids that share a wall with you. The lightening isn’t just a show to watch, but a reminder of the power of the storm that if it continues, could destroy your home. Thunderstorms don’t produce a safe secure feeling, but invoke fear as you huddle in a corner with your younger siblings praying for your own safety.

While this is likely not the exact experience of all the kids I’ve met here, it is certainly close for some. But more importantly, it touches on a greater truth that I’ve become more increasingly aware of. What we see as normal is determined by our culture and our surroundings and affects who we are as people.

Within my first week here I knew that there were some BIG differences between the lives these kids have and the one I grew up with. Don’t get me wrong, I knew there were significant differences, I wasn’t completely naïve. But there’s a difference between knowing there’s a difference and really seeing and experiencing it. Here are a couple examples of what I’m talking about.

A couple weeks ago I was at soccer practice. We were scrimmaging when gunshots started to fire nearby. This alone would be strange to anyone from my background, however having been here for two weeks already it wasn’t my first time hearing that. But what really hit me was that no one reacted. Not a flinch, not even a glance up. It’s simply background noise. It’s normal.

Within my first couple weeks here I’ve tried to have conversations with numerous kids at the soccer school. After some of the usual basic questions like what’s your name, how old are you, what’s your favorite color, I’ll usually start asking about family. I started to see a pattern. The conversation would more often than not go like this:

Me: Do you have any siblings?

Kid: Yeah I have 4 brothers.

Me: How old are they?

Kid: 5, 6, 9, and 13.

Me: Do you live with your parents?

Kid: I live with my mom. My dad is in the US.

Me: Oh! Where in the US?

Kid: I don’t know.

While this is sad and slightly shocking itself, what’s more shocking is the nonchalance with which it is said. It’s normal.

These kinds of experiences weren’t unexpected. I knew it was likely I would hear gunshots and I knew I’d run into kids who didn’t know where their fathers were. What was unexpected was the normalcy of it. To these kids these things are normal and it’s affected who they are and are becoming. I’m not going to argue whether that affect will be good or bad, that’s not the point. The point is it’s shaped who they are. And likewise, I was shaped by my surroundings as a kid, surroundings that were very different.

As I thought about this I began to wonder how I am ever supposed to be able to relate to these kids. Not only is there a language barrier, but I can’t even begin to understand what it’s like to experience the things they have. I began to question my ability to have an impact.

I recently heard a song that seemed to have an answer. Part of the song goes like this:

Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

(Your Love – Brandon Heath)

What I realized is, the only thing that matters is God’s love. I may not be able to relate, but thankfully relating isn’t a prerequisite to loving. God’s love has no language, no culture. What I’m realizing more and more is that His love is all I have to give these kids. And I’m learning to trust that His love is enough to light up the darkness by which they are surrounded.

To be known is to be loved.

Although I’ve adjusted well to life in El Salvador, there’s still a part of life here that’s not quite right. It wasn’t until tonight that I realized what piece was missing. I’ve gotten to know a good number of people here. There’s certainly no lack of relationships. I’ve gotten to know Elsa very well, her family decently well, the soccer coaches pretty well, relationships with the kids are growing, I’ve met many of Elsa’s friends, and I’ve found a good community in my bible study. It’s not that I don’t have people in my life here. It’s not that I don’t feel valued or accepted here. I know I’m cared for. So what is it? What’s lacking?

It hit me tonight that it’s not because of a lack of people in my life, but rather a lack of depth. People here don’t know me. This is largely do to the fact that it is difficult for me to express myself well in Spanish and partly due to the short time that I have been here. It takes time and effort for that to develop. It’s hard to leave a place you are known to go to a place where most people only know your name and maybe a few other facts about your life. My name is Nikki, I’m 23, from Wisconsin, have an older sister, and graduated last December. But what’s the big deal with being known? Isn’t it kind of selfish to want people to know me? To be “popular”? Maybe, but that’s not the kind of knowing I’m talking about. There’s a distinct difference between that kind of knowing and the way I was known in Madison. People here might know about me, but people in Madison truly knew me. To be known about is to be popular, maybe even famous. But to be known is to be loved.

To be known by someone means they know what you are thinking before you say it. You can communicate with just a glance of the eyes. You don’t have to tell them you want easy ice in your vanilla chai tea latte because they already know. They know how you’re feeling without asking because your face says it all. They can simply look at you and know that you need a hug. They know when to talk, and when to just sit in silence. And it’s through these things, through being known, that we feel most loved. It’s no wonder the people who love us the most are usually the ones who know us the best. It's what makes the love of a family so strong.

This is why we can be in the middle of a huge crowd and still feel alone. It’s why we can interact with people all day and yet be lonely. It’s why I can be in El Salvador, and have tons of great godly people in my life, and still feel lonely. This is the missing piece to life in El Salvador. The people who know me best are over 2,000 miles away. They may want to send me encouragement but they won’t know I need it unless I say it. And even then they can send me an encouraging letter but it won’t get here for 10 days. At best, when schedules align, technology decides to work right and they can see me on skype, they may see I need a hug but all they can do is say they’d give me one if they were here. The truth is it’s simply more difficult to feel love from 2,000 miles away.

It makes me grateful for the love of my creator. A love that knows me completely. A love that is never distanced but always present. For the past month, somewhat unknowingly, I’ve been learning to rest in this love.

¹ O LORD, you have searched me

and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

(Psalm 139)