Transitions

These past few weeks I’ve found myself in the midst of huge transitions. I’ve been in 5 countries, driven halfway across Central America, spent time in 4 different states, and driven halfway across the United States. I’ve stayed at 5 different homes in the last 2 weeks. I’ve met upwards of 50 new people. Many who will likely become a regular part of my life. A new year has begun and I am jobless and homeless.

I’d love to say that it’s been easy, that I’ve been able to sit back and enjoy the ride. That’s simply not the case. I found myself many days spending all day online job searching, contacting people, and not making much progress. It only made me more discouraged. But I couldn’t stop and not feel guilty. It’s like there was a dark cloud of guilt for being jobless and homeless looming over me whenever I was doing anything else. I’m learning to let it go. In the past few days I realized that all this searching wasn’t because I don’t trust God to provide. It was because I feared the opinion of others. Would people think I’m lazy and not searching hard enough? That I should be doing more? Am I irresponsible for traveling and doing other things when I don’t have a job lined up? I realized that the guilt I was experiencing wasn’t true convictions from God. It was tearing me apart inside. Stressing me out. Sucking the joy out of my life. Since then I’ve been forcing myself (and having others hold me accountable) to take time to simply enjoy life as well; to spend some time searching, but not all my time.

I had the opportunity to spend some time in Boulder recently. Despite all the amazing people I met, it was a difficult time for me. Driving in I started to tear up a bit, and even had a few tear filled nights. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel welcomed, I did. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Boulder, I do. It wasn’t that I’m scared of moving even, I’m excited. It was the realization of having to start over. Starting to rebuild my life… from scratch: a job, a home, friends, high school students, soccer, church, everything. I’m confident that God will provide for all my needs, but that doesn’t mean it’ll all be easy. I’ve been in transition a long time and long for deep community. I long to be rooted in a place I can call home. It’s been a long time now since I’ve had that and it’s starting to wear me down. I think the hardest part is realizing that even once I move, it’ll take time to establish a rhythm of life and create deep connections within a community.

I was recently offered a 3-month position at the University of Denver working with the gymnastics team. For many reasons, I decided not to accept this position. Despite this, it’s given me more confidence and hope that I will be able to find a job. I have a few other people I’ve been in touch with about jobs and truly believe that it will come together. But beyond this, I’ve seen the generosity of the Calvary community out in Boulder and their willingness to help me until I can get back up on my feet. It’s a community I’m excited to get to become a part of. As hard as this time has been and will be, I’m excited to be able to look back on it and see exactly how God’s hand was at work and providing for me through it all. I would appreciate prayers during this season of life and thank you for all of you who have helped and continue to help me during this transition. I love you all and am so grateful to have you in my life!