Don’t worry… I’m still breathing. If I’m honest, at times during this transition I’ve felt like that’s all I’ve been doing. While I’d like to say I moved out to Boulder, found a job, a place to live, and built great relationships right away, I can’t. That’s probably not a shock to anyone seeing as that is simply not how transition works. It’s been a challenge. I’m finally starting to feel settled after a month, but the use of the word settled is relative.
I’m still living with a family from church but they’ve been a huge blessing to me. They’ve welcomed me into their family and made me feel at home. Lisa, the mom, has gotten me plugged into her bible study. In addition, we’ve recently started a tradition of Tuesday game nights.
I’m just starting to develop relationships. It’s been tough to find people I really connect with. I frequently find myself doing the comparison game of the friends in my life back home to the girls I’ve met out here. Let’s be honest, it’s not a fair game to play. As Seth is always quick to remind me, my friends back in Madison have about 3-23 years advantage on them. It’s simply going to take time to develop those kinds of relationships here.
I’m still jobless… kind of. The job hunt has been tough and exhausting. Days on end staring at a computer screen searching will make anyone go crazy. I’ve had a couple prospective jobs that have fallen through for one reason or another. Each time it gets harder as you build up hope only to have it smashed. I have begun substituting with an after school program and will be doing that until I find a job. I have an interview for an athletic training position with an orthopedic clinic. It would be part time in the clinic and part time at a high school. This may be the ideal job for beginning a career in athletic training. After having so many ups and downs during this job hunt, I find myself not wanting to get too excited. I get scared that I’m getting my hopes up only to have them dashed again. I don’t think I’ve quite mastered how to be hopeful and yet not have any expectations. Maybe because that’s not possible.
Through all of this God has been teaching me a lot about patience and trust. Sitting around all day every day job searching you begin to feel useless and like you’re wasting your time. As I’ve gotten more settled and am finding things to do to fill my time that has gotten better. It’s funny how many of the lessons I thought God was teaching me in El Salvador about patience, rest, and value I feel like he is teaching me all over again. I guess I just didn’t quite get it the first time…
It’s a strange night for me. Tomorrow my life of 23 years in Madison will draw to a close. I’ve left home, I’ve traveled, but I’ve always come back. It’s weird to think that this time… I won’t be, at least not to stay. Next time I come to Madison I’ll be the visitor. The streets that I know so well and can navigate with my eyes closed are bound to change. Potholes will be in different places, new stoplights, and more lanes. The trees I climbed as a child may be dead and gone. New buildings will
be built. People will move away. It won’t ever feel quite like the Madison that was my home. It’s strange.
Goodbyes are hard, there’s really no way around it. For so long it’s always been, “See ya!” or “Later!” but on many occasions in the past couple days I have found myself about to say that only to realize… that’s not true. I won’t see you, at least not soon. There’s an awkward pause after every goodbye as if there should be more to follow it up. But there’s not. That’s it. Goodbye.
Tomorrow I’ll be landing in a strange city, surrounded by unfamiliar roads, where very few people know my name. It’s exciting and daunting all at the same time. I’m excited to call a new city my home. To learn the streets, bike paths, fun coffee shops and places to eat. To meet knew people and develop new deep relationships. But all of that will take work and time. So as I begin a new life out in Colorado, please be praying that God would surround me with a strong community that would readily draw me in as own of their own, a place to live where I can truly feel at home, a job tha
t I will both enjoy and be challenged by, and the ability to quickly learn the streets of Boulder so that it would begin to feel like home.
Madison – It’s sad to see your story end.
Boulder – I’m excited to see where your story will take me.
These past few weeks I’ve found myself in the midst of huge transitions. I’ve been in 5 countries, driven halfway across Central America, spent time in 4 different states, and driven halfway across the United States. I’ve stayed at 5 different homes in the last 2 weeks. I’ve met upwards of 50 new people. Many who will likely become a regular part of my life. A new year has begun and I am jobless and homeless.
I’d love to say that it’s been easy, that I’ve been able to sit back and enjoy the ride. That’s simply not the case. I found myself many days spending all day online job searching, contacting people, and not making much progress. It only made me more discouraged. But I couldn’t stop and not feel guilty. It’s like there was a dark cloud of guilt for being jobless and homeless looming over me whenever I was doing anything else. I’m learning to let it go. In the past few days I realized that all this searching wasn’t because I don’t trust God to provide. It was because I feared the opinion of others. Would people think I’m lazy and not searching hard enough? That I should be doing more? Am I irresponsible for traveling and doing other things when I don’t have a job lined up? I realized that the guilt I was experiencing wasn’t true convictions from God. It was tearing me apart inside. Stressing me out. Sucking the joy out of my life. Since then I’ve been forcing myself (and having others hold me accountable) to take time to simply enjoy life as well; to spend some time searching, but not all my time.
I had the opportunity to spend some time in Boulder recently. Despite all the amazing people I met, it was a difficult time for me. Driving in I started to tear up a bit, and even had a few tear filled nights. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel welcomed, I did. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Boulder, I do. It wasn’t that I’m scared of moving even, I’m excited. It was the realization of having to start over. Starting to rebuild my life… from scratch: a job, a home, friends, high school students, soccer, church, everything. I’m confident that God will provide for all my needs, but that doesn’t mean it’ll all be easy. I’ve been in transition a long time and long for deep community. I long to be rooted in a place I can call home. It’s been a long time now since I’ve had that and it’s starting to wear me down. I think the hardest part is realizing that even once I move, it’ll take time to establish a rhythm of life and create deep connections within a community.
I was recently offered a 3-month position at the University of Denver working with the gymnastics team. For many reasons, I decided not to accept this position. Despite this, it’s given me more confidence and hope that I will be able to find a job. I have a few other people I’ve been in touch with about jobs and truly believe that it will come together. But beyond this, I’ve seen the generosity of the Calvary community out in Boulder and their willingness to help me until I can get back up on my feet. It’s a community I’m excited to get to become a part of. As hard as this time has been and will be, I’m excited to be able to look back on it and see exactly how God’s hand was at work and providing for me through it all. I would appreciate prayers during this season of life and thank you for all of you who have helped and continue to help me during this transition. I love you all and am so grateful to have you in my life!
Sitting down to write one last blog post while here in El Salvador has proven to be more difficult that I would have expected. Besides the fact that the first time I sat down to write it my vision got all splotchy and was followed by a migraine… it seems that every time I think about what to write my mind goes blank. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t feel real yet. Maybe it’s because there’s so much I could write about. Maybe it’s because there is so much excitement about being home that it’s hard to dwell on the sadness of leaving. But whatever it is, I know I need to overcome it and simply write. So with no plan for what to write, I guess I’ll begin…
This week has been full of goodbyes; goodbyes to my soccer boys and girls, my bible study, other CFCI staff and soon the kids at the community andmy family. It’s sad saying goodbye but what makes it the hardest is the question of, “When are you coming back?” It’s
hard to look them in the face and say I don’t know. But the reality is, I don’t. I know that right now I need to be in CO. Where God takes me after only he knows.
There will be a lot of things and a lot of people that I will miss from here but I think what I’ll miss most, is the ability to go to a community where kids run up to you screaming your name, arms out ready to give you a big hug. The ability to go to a place where it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, or that your house is made form sheet metal. The ability to play soccer and love on kid, some of whose parents are in gangs. The need here is real. It’s obvious. In your face. There’s no sugarcoating reality because let’s be honest… there’s no sugar to coat it with! But there’s something beautiful about that. It’s something that I’m going to miss.
As I head back to the US I have a lot to look forward to! The next month will be full of friends and family and travel. I can’t wait to spend time with those I haven’t seen in a few months. But I think what I really look forward to is settling into normal life again. Establishing my place somewhere. I’ve been in transition a long time… I’ve poured into many students and kids over the last couple years and then had to leave. I don’t regret it one bit. God did a lot of things in their hearts and mine, but coming and going isn’t easy. I’m ready to invest into a community. Things might change and God may call me somewhere else. If that’s the case I’ll willingly go, but for now…. I’m ready to be a part of a community again. One that desires to grow deeper together in Christ and from that overflow, pour out into the community around us. That’s what gets me excited.
So what’s next? I’m heading out to Boulder, CO. It’s a bit scary to say that, but I know it’s where I need to be right now. Seth and I have been doing the long distance thing for 3 months now. We’ve made it work but it’s had its challenges. Whenever I tell people this they look at me as if I’m crazy. Why would I move somewhere for a guy?! Don’t give up your passions! But the reality is, I’m not. There’s need there too. And there’s lost and hurting students. God has not called me anywhere else right now, and if we’re ever going to know his plan for our future, we simply need to spend more time together. It’s a risk, a scary one at that, but right now, I’ve got nothing to lose. As of right now I have no job and no permanent place to live. The pastor of Calvary has generously offered for me to stay with them until I get things sorted out. So as I head out there in faith, please pray for me. While I’m excited about many things out there, I don’t anticipate it to be an easy move. Pray for community, for a job, a place to live that can truly feel like home, and for Seth and I, for clarity, humility, and grace.
Thank you all so much for supporting me during my time here in El Salvador! It’s hard to believe it’s already drawing to a close. I will continue to post on here from time to time and keep you all updated on my life. While it’s always hard to get started on a blog post, I’ve found it a very rich time of processing and reflection. While most of my posts are simply me rambling about my thoughts and feelings, I hope that you have all been able to gain something from reading it. Thank you! Que Dios te bendiga! (May God bless you!)
This is probably long overdue... but a lot of it I've just learned recently.
El Salvador is the smallest and most densely populated country in Central America. Being approximately the same size as the state of New Jersey, it is home to roughly 7.2 million people, with approximately 30% of this population living in the capital city of San Salvador. The average income per household is $2-$6 per day with 42% of the population lives in poverty. Roughly 25% of El Salvador’s population lives in the U.S. These immigrants send $2.5 billion dollars to El Salvador every year.
Gangs in El Salvador
Between 1980 and 1992 El Salvador was in the midst of a civil war between the government, four leftist groups, and a communist group. Approximately 75,000 people were killed in the war. On January 16, 1992 the president of El Salvador and the guerrilla leaders signed Peace Agreements ending the 12-year civil war.
As a result of the civil war, many Salvadorans immigrated to The Pico-Union neighborhood of Los Angeles. Out of this began the now transnational gang, Mara Salvatrucha (MS, MS-13) with original intent of protecting Salvadoran immigrants from other gangs of LA. When these gang members are arrested they are deported back to El Salvador where they recruit more gang members. As a result of this, gangs became a constant threat to the security and peace of civilians. The two most prominent and rival gangs are Mara Salvatrucha and Mara 18.
In September 2010, as a result of gang attacks on buses, the government passed a law making it a criminal offense to be a gang member. In response to this gang uprisings happened throughout gang controlled territory in San Salvador and surrounding areas. One of these cities was Altavista, the location of Christ for the City’s (CFCI) soccer school and the community of Bendición de Dios. During this time sometimes the police and sometimes gangs would issue a “toque de queda” forcing people to stay indoors after 5 pm. If they left their houses they would be at risk of being shot. The soccer school had to shut down and no work could be done in the community. The brother of David, a boy in the soccer school, was shot and killed, and the brother of Adonay was arrested for being out after dark. The government eventually regained control and public displays of gang activity have been much less.
Nonetheless, gangs continue to be a very real threat to the safety and futures of many of the kids we work worth. Some of the kids within the soccer school are the children of gang members, others may even be involved in gang activity themselves. It is the hope of CFCI that the soccer school would provide them with an alternative to life on the streets and speak truth into their lives of an alternate way of life.
Gangs are increasingly more frequently trying to recruit or force children into their gangs. Once in the gang, the kids are often the ones forced to do the killing. The penalty for murder for children is only a few months to a year in a juvenile detention center. Girls are becoming increasingly more involved as well and are frequently sexually exploited. While gang members may not desire the gang lifestyle for their children, they are often forced into it by other members of the gang.
Once in a gang, essentially the only way to leave it is to become a Christian. You cannot have killed anyone from your own gang and you will be forever under surveillance and if you demonstrate anything that could be associated with gang activity (including drugs or alcohol) you will be killed. The respect for Christians is not something that I fully understand but it stems from a respect for the community development work they have done. While they may not understand the gospel, it’s interesting that a gang who has named themselves the “Devil Horns” would understand that the redemption and love of Christ is what the impoverished communities need most.
So much has happened since my last true update I don’t even know where to begin! I’d love to expand on each of the following experiences but for times sake I’m only going to briefly summarize some of them.
Thanksgiving!!!
The morning of Thanksgiving Elsa and I went to the community and watched Happy Feet with the kids. I couldn’t have asked for a better Thanksgiving morning. Playing with those kids and seeing their smiling faces is enough to make anyone thankful! I haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time in the community but have been able to go a few times and the kids there definitely have a piece of my heart. It’s amazing what a little kid running up to you and saying, “You came!!!” will do to you. It makes me excited to be in a community for a long time and really get to know the kids/youth and watch them grow.
Elsa and I were invited to the Thanksgiving dinner of a couple in our bible study. It was an awesome experience! With the exception of not being with family, it was one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had! We arrived at the house and walked into the back yard/patio area. It was all ornately decorated for Christmas and the tables on the lawn were candle lit with white tablecloths. Aside from weddings, I’ve never been to such a fancy dinner. The family owns a restaurant/bakery here in San Salvador and the husband is a professional chef! Preceding the dinner we had worship, read a few verses about giving thanks, and had a chance to write down things we are thankful for. It was a great time to spend with friends and our bible study group, which has become like family here. A couple waiters from their restaurant served drinks, one of whom we know from our Tuesday workdays at Florence. The dinner was served as a buffet and included: Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, corn/egg casserole, apple-sausage stuffing, and a lettuce salad. Dinner was followed by a dessert buffet including: pumpkin pie, pecan pie, crème brulee, mini apple pies, white chocolate chip pumpkin muffins, and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. If I’ve ever had a hard time choosing a dessert, that was it. I decided it was best not to stress over it and took a little bit of everything. (Ok not quite everything… but close!) It was such a cool experience to see the family go all out to have such a wonderful dinner for friends and family. It couldn’t have been cheap. It made me think of what big celebrations and feast must have been like in the early church.
Nicaragua
Because of the funds I raised over my necessary amount for living expenses, I was able to join Elsa, Jaime, and Josué on a trip to Nicaragua and Costa Rica. We made the 12 hour trek and spent a few days at the base in Nicaragua and had an amazing time. We had a training on hosting short term missions teams (not something super helpful for me now but undoubtedly will be useful in the future for either hosting or leading teams). We were also able to go to a market with lots of handcrafted souvenirs and were given a tour of the city. The people at the base were so welcoming and loving towards us! Elsa and I stayed with a missionary couple (the husband is from the US and met his wife in Costa Rica and they are now doing missions in Nicaragua). They were such a blessing to us. It’s great to be able to share stories with people who understand the cultural dynamics! It was a very refreshing weekend. We then got on the bus and headed to Costa Rica (another 8 hours or so…).
Costa Rica
We arrived on Monday and found out that the CFCI base wasn’t notified of our arrival here until last Thursday… The funny part is that this is normal. We spent yesterday at the base doing planning for STM (short term missions) and hanging out. Today we had the opportunity to go to Carpio, one of the more dangerous areas of San Jose. It was an amazing experience!
The first place we went was to a library where they open it up to students to come and read and they teach English classes. There is a Pilipino missionary from Canada who is a retired teacher who has been leading this area for the past 6 months or so.
We then went to a house or plot of land with a couple buildings that they own. It originally started as an outreach to the young girls in the community when a missionary learned of the sexual abuse that was happening. These girls grow up in one-room homes and therefore witness all that their parents do. Sex becomes a normal thing for them. Churches don’t talk about it because they consider this a sin. Thus all the girls know is what they observe. When men or relatives then approach them and abuse them, they don’t know that it is wrong. The mentality is that they saw their dad touch their mom in a certain way or do things with her, so it must be ok. Kids in this community are being abused beginning at ages 3 and 4 and it’s estimated that about 80% (I think… although I may have heard wrong…) have been abused.The program was set up as a refuge of sorts for the girls. While they currently aren’t allowed to live there, under certain circumstances they may be able to spend a few nights there. The hope is to eventually open it up as a dorm for girls who have dangerous family situations. They receive classes and in addition to the basic subjects they have sex education, English, and a Bible study.
This same program now has a program for boys. The boys have the unique opportunity to learn woodworking during which they are discipled. This is a valuable skill that will then hopefully provide them with a source of income in the future. There is a soccer program for both boys and girls. On Saturdays they have Bible studies in the morning. Many of the boys hang out and play games/sports during the day. This alone helps keep them off the streets and out of trouble.
Following this we went to the kids club that they host. We played games, sang songs, led a bible teaching, and helped with a craft. The kids were adorable and so excited to be there! It was awesome to have the chance to spend some time with them. Meeting these kids and looking them in the eye it makes you wonder what their story is. They each have a story, and chances are most of them are probably pretty remarkable. I wish I could hear each of their stories and write them down. Sometimes I forget how privileged I am to be meeting the very kids that most people only read about. The kids that are often just statistics, often forgotten. Yet with just a simple smile they can brighten your day and speak volumes into your life. I’m really going to miss the kids I’ve met here and in El Salvador but today I was reminded of something… any place I live there will be kids who are in need of the love of Christ. Like I said before, I can’t wait to be in a place where I can truly pour into the same kids for a long period of time. It’s hard to continually develop these relationships and give pieces of your heart to each of the kids you meet and then leave.
I said I was going to keep it short… I didn’t. I could write forever about the things I’ve seen, learned, thought, and felt, but unfortunately… my bed is calling my name. All these things are still just sinking in and will continue to as I process my time here and head back home. One thing is certain, the faces of kids you meet in places like this whether it’s Peru, Honduras, Romania, El Salvador, or Costa Rica, you never forget. Miss you all! I can’t believe my time here is coming to an end already!
I wrote this last year for a newsletter at Blackhawk about Advent Conspiracy. As it's that time of year again, I thought I'd share it again.
From eggnog and Frosty the Snowman to mistletoe and stockings, the Christmas traditions in our culture are endless. My family was no different. Every Thanksgiving weekend we bundled up and headed out to the Christmas tree farm. After incessant bickering, and at least one unhappy child, we cut down our less-than-perfect five-dollar tree. A week later we decorated the tree, with a soft instrumental version of Silent Night playing in the background – my sister and I argued about whose tin foil star was better and should go on top of the tree.
With the star on the tree it was time to get out the nativity set. Our set contained an extra character – our Middle-eastern Jesus had a Scandinavian twin. My parents had gotten so frustrated with the fighting over Jesus that they bought a second. Unfortunately, that caused us to argue over whose Jesus was in the nativity scene on Christmas morning (which, in the excitement of stockings and presents was always forgotten).
Sound familiar? Christmas can become full of traditions that often cause tension and stress. We’ve turned Jesus’ birth into an excuse to buy more stuff to fulfill our own desires rather than an opportunity to celebrate the significance of His coming to earth. Advent is a time of preparation for the Messiah’s coming. Jesus came to give Himself. He came to establish the Kingdom of God, on earth. Should we not do the same?
Last year Blackhawk participate in the Advent Conspiracy, a grassroots movement involving more than 1,000 churches in 17 countries that believe Christmas can still change the world. Advent Conspiracy invites people to celebrate what Gad has done and is doing by spending less, giving more, worshiping fully, and loving all.
When we learned that Americans spend $450 billion on Christmas every year and that the estimated cost to make clean water available to everyone in the world is 10 $billion, my family didn’t hesitate to participate. We took this challenge seriously. While Christmases full of arguing thankfully ended years ago, there was still a different feel in the air last year. Crammed into my sister’s and brother-in-law’s tiny apartment in Los Angeles we opened our gifts, all homemade. We felt incredible love and gratitude that we felt as we opened the gifts, created with hours of energy and thought. Moreover, knowing that the money we didn’t spend on gifts was providing clean water for people who don’t have access to it gave us inexplicable joy. It was a joy that only comes from actually doing what God has called us to do. It’s what Jesus came to earth to start, and we are called to continue until His Second Coming. Last Christmas, my family played a part in establishing the Kingdom of God through his radical love. That’s cause for celebration. In Mike Erre’s book, Jesus of Suburbia, he summarizes this well:
“Jesus came to do away with the meaningless ritual and empty religion of the day and to call people into relationship with Himself. He came to turn us not into religious people but into joyful and holy people, abandoned to Him so as to do His work on earth. He came to turn us into people who know how to love and celebrate.”
So as we begin the Advent season this year, let’s not be controlled by the cultural traditions and demands of an “American Christmas.” Instead, let’s show the world what Christmas is really about as we share and celebrate Christ’s radical love.
