It's Hard to Say Goodbye

In two weeks I’ll be living with a host family, working in the slums of San Salvador, speaking Spanish, playing soccer, and pouring into the lives of kids. It’s what I’ve dreamed of since high school, and now it’s here. While the excitement and anticipation grow daily, so does the sadness. It’s not a fear. It’s not that I’m not excited about what’s to come. It’s a bitter sweetness. Knowing that life won’t be the same again. Big changes are coming. So as the goodbyes have begun… I’ve realized that it’s not the three-month goodbye that’s hard. It’s the realization that it’s not just a three-month goodbye. Three months in El Salvador yes. But then what? A short stint in Madison for Christmas with family and then I’ll be moving… somewhere. I’ll be leaving the home I’ve known for 23 years. Leaving family and friends. Leaving life as I’ve known it. And that’s hard.

I’m excited for wherever it is I end up. I’m excited to experience life in a new place. I’m excited to get rooted into a new community, to be challenged and grow in new ways, to develop new friendships. But it’s easy to get swept up in that excitement and lose the reality that it takes time to get to a certain depth of relationship. I know I’ll have friends and community wherever I go and that’s comforting. But I also know it won’t be the same depth of friendships as I have in Madison. At least not right away. I’m leaving behind the deep friendships I’ve developed in the past few years. I’m leaving the people who know me. People who know what makes me happy, frustrates me, and hurts me. I’m leaving the people I’ve laughed with, cried with, hurt, and forgiven. It’s a type of friendship that runs deep. That will undoubtedly continue but look very different when it’s not face-to-face. I trust that wherever I go God will place people in my life to fill this role. But also know that as I leave these relationships behind, it’ll be a while before I have the same sense of solid community around me. And THAT is what makes the goodbyes hard.

So as September 21^st approaches I’ve been feeling the extreme tension of being excited for the adventure but dreading the goodbyes that must come first. It’s difficult to get excited when you know the severe ache that you must first endure. Without a doubt, the 11 days will be full of excitement and sadness, laughter and tears. It won’t be easy. But it’s right. And it’s good. And all too soon… it will only be a memory. So despite constantly having to think ahead to prepare, this next week and a half I’m going to try to live in the moment. It’ll be hard and I’ll probably fail repeatedly… but if I don’t I’ll miss out on the little time I have left in Madison.

Who would have thought my life would change from fall to fall

Who would have thought I have found a friend or two after all

Through the darkness, through the sunny days

Through the wind and snow and sun and rain

From the middle of nothing to the center of everything

Here we stand, once again

I wish I could bring you along on this journey

But I got a place in my heart for y’all, and Lord, give me strength

I wish I could be there when you cry and you need somebody

But with the Lord our bond is strong and strong enough to keep us moving on

And though it’s hard to say goodbye we hear the call

Through turns and forks in the road there is a path that brought us all…

Together we stand and we serve and we learn and we earn the right to be heard

Because we know as we go on in life we are changed, not the same, new creation, Amen

I lay my future at the cross along with all my intentions

All my pride all my plans all my selfish ambitions

You met me at the crossroads discerning for the way

And showed its not about tomorrow or the past just today

Is the one I have been given one day closer to see him

A vapor and a mist, dawn to dawn, carpe diem

I pray I never will forget the solid ground I stand upon

A body of believers growing tight but moving on

(Goodbye - Caleb & Sol)